LOVE not Fear: It’s A Choice

This piece is for the #BoycottAutismSpeaks (boycottautismspeaks.com) “Love not Fear” flashblog, and was a really hard post for me to write. It’s full of questions, a couple I can’t quite answer, and it’s filled with love, which is such an enormous thing I find it extremely difficult to write about. So, what you’re reading now is actually my 3rd attempt. Let’s hope it works or you’ll be reading my 4th.

Love  v.  Fear

I was going to share the definitions of love and fear from old faithful, Merriam-Webster, but the words seemed bland, lifeless. How can you make love and fear seem bland and lifeless? I don’t know, but check out Merriam-Webster, they did it beautifully. Dissatisfied, I went in search of something with a kick to it. Here’s what I found:

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.”  -   Sophocles

I just sat there and thought about it.  That’s a hell of a lot for one little word to live up to. But it’s true isn’t it? When we love unconditionally, we are free whether it’s for a minute or for a lifetime. I feel that way about my kids. No matter how bad a day (or week, or month) I can look at my kids and the overwhelming love I have for them frees me of all the weight and pain in that instant.


To address fear, I consulted my friend G., who reads way too much and has the uncanny ability to pull quotes out of thin air. As usual, he did not disappoint:

“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”  - Bertrand Russell

Fear is a horrible feeling isn’t it? It can cause anxiety, depression, anger… Hate. Fear can stop us dead in our tracks, rendering us incapable of moving forward. Again, a hell of a lot for one little word to carry. However, I’m a relatively positive person so when Russell tells us that conquering fear is the beginning of wisdom, a knowing smile touches my lips. I couldn’t agree more.



It’s A Choice

Love and fear: two little, four-letter words with the power to sway millions. You want to be heard? You want to move the masses? Both will get the job done equally well. But you have to understand one thing first, they’re only words. Love and fear, the words themselves, are impotent. What moves millions is the life breathed into those words by a person, a group or an organization. Once brought to life by the speaker, love/fear spreads like wildfire and can rally support and build a following.

So why would one choose fear over love? If both, when activated, have the ability to motivate why would a person choose one of the main sources of cruelty over the one that sets you free? Pay close attention:

The choice exposes the speaker for who he or she really is.

Think on this: If the speaker you are listening to uses fear-mongering tactics to garner your support, what is the message? What exactly is this person (organization) trying to say that they need to scare you into following?

Fear is used to control us.

Consider this instead: Love’s message is accepting and unconditional, it doesn’t seek to control, but to support and understand.

Love is used to free us.


Which will you choose?

I speak with a lot of parents of newly diagnosed children and there are two words that come up time and again: Frightened and Devastated. And the questions that immediately run through my mind are: Where are you getting your information? Who made you feel this way? And then the biggee:

 Why would you listen to anyone speak of your child in a way that leaves you filled with                        fear and devastation?


“Where is the LOVE?”

Seriously great question posed by the Black Eyed Peas…

“Yo’, whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love we’re spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity”
        –   “Where is the Love” by Black Eyed Peas


In addition to the many Autistic people, there are organizations out there that will show you the love in autism (and other disabilities):

These organizations exist to support and empower Autistic people and their families. Is that love or what?!! Their messages are positive and the underlying theme:


Isn’t that what we’re looking for anyway? To be accepted for who we are, no exceptions? Isn’t that what we want for our children? For them to know they are loved for the wonderful, beautiful human beings they are. Is it so much to ask that they be respected and included in society alongside their non-disabled peers? That they be accommodated so they can lead successful lives?

No, it is not.

Our children are not tragic, they are not burdens and anyone who says they are (e.g. Autism Speaks – I wrote about that here and here) is using fear to control how you feel. Don’t listen, it doesn’t have to be that way and it’s wrong. There is a large and continually growing autism community that I and my children belong to that refuses to listen to fear-mongering because we know better. Our community is made up of Autistic people, our families and friends, our Allies, as well as professionals and organizations that support our wants and needs. They do not silence us, they amplify our voices, our messages. They do not speak about us, or for us. They listen to us and speak with us. The autism community I belong to…

Chooses Love 

And we want you here with us. Please! We are honored to welcome your children because they are not only your future, but ours as well.


 So… What’s It Gonna’ Be?

The choice is yours. You can choose to listen to those who spread messages of fear and devastation, telling you that your children are burdens and that they are tragic (and they are not)! Or you can join us instead and choose:



“When we come to it
We, this people, on this wayward, floating body
Created on this earth, of this earth
Have the power to fashion for this earth
A climate where every man and every woman
Can live freely without sanctimonious piety
Without crippling fear.”
        – Excerpt from “A Brave and Startling Truth” by Maya Angelou


Wow. Yes. Exactly.

 Choose LOVE




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4 thoughts on “LOVE not Fear: It’s A Choice”

  1. “Why would you listen to anyone speak of your child in a way that leaves you filled with fear and devastation?”

    That may be a rhetorical question, and it seems crazy to contemplate now, but I will tell you why I listened, 13 years ago. When I heard the words, “We think Ellana might be autistic,” I didn’t know what autistic meant. 13 years ago, the internet and the resources it provides was not what it is today. I did go home and search the word autism. But by the time I got there, I had seen the sadness and concern in the preschool teacher’s kind face. She probably didn’t know much about autistic people either. She was working from the disease model. Her perception spilled over unto me.

    I listened because she was an authority figure. I listened because I had not yet uncovered my own authority. I was afraid because I did not know autism meant. Now I know better.

    1. You’re awesome, Natalia! It’s rhetorical for people like you who ‘now know better.’ But for those who haven’t discovered the love and beauty in neurodiversity, it’s a very serious question that I HOPE will get them thinking. But it’s why we keep advocating, right? So there is an alternative. So they don’t have to listen to the negativity and fear-mongering. We advocate to ensure they find the positive organizations and communities that respect and support! Thanks for all you do <3

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